Why do we get angry?

Anger. It’s an emotion that most of us have when something doesn’t go the way we want. But what is the reason of getting angry? I have finished my thesis with a topic that I used to hate before. After the thesis I realized why we hate and anger is the source of hatred. And reversed. In this post I’m sharing this mental process.

Anger result in hatred

I have just finished my thesis in April and my topic was comparing Vietnamese and Korean Lunar New Year. I chose this topic because Lunar New Year had always been a holiday that I hated a lot. The date in Gregorian calendar is around the end of January. And out of many days in a year we only do deep cleaning on Lunar New Year, in 2-3 days. It was very harsh and everything needed to be clean. My mum spent many hours in the kitchen to prepare the dishes. She was stressed because of the preparation, so even I got angry when she shouted at me out of nowhere. I really didn’t like Lunar New Year. Every year I just wished my mum would forget it… “just this year, please”. I didn’t understand why a big rush only on that day. Why did everyone get stressed and tense for the preparation? And of course no one could answer me why.

By years it became a habit and I started to get used to it. At university we had to write thesis, something relating to Korea, so I decided to chose comparison Korean and Vietnamese Lunar New Year. We had a traditional Korean culture course where my teacher taught us the holidays in Korea and she stated them with tales. Those stories were just a mythology, tales, maybe they are not even true, but it was enough for me to understand and accept the meaning of holiday. I wanted to get to know more about Lunar New Year so I decided to write the fact, process of it with an explanation of background stories. My teacher liked the idea. I spent a lot of time creating the thesis.

The result, during the research I found out many interesting stories and started to like the holiday. I realized normally when we don’t understand something, we hate it. The same with human. When we don’t understand someone’s behaviour we get mad at them and then we hate them. But the reality is that we don’t know what made them becoming like that. We don’t understand them. And the more we hate them, the more we get angry at them. It would become a vicious circle until we put an effort to find out their “why”.

After I got to understand the meaning of Lunar New Year, I accepted it and started to like it. This process is the same with everything and everyone. Until we don’t find out the exact function of an object we get angry then we hate it and don’t use it. With person, until we don’t find out who they really are, and why they do what they do, we find them strange and we keep distance from them. But the reality is that we don’t understand them.

The more we don’t understand the more we get angry at everything they do. So anger and hatred always go together. And the main source is that we are not willing to understand the others.

What does anger mean?

Anger at the same time is also a sign that we are not confident with ourselves. When I drive I tend to get angry very easily. Especially when the passengers in my car tell me how to drive. My aunt once said:

“When you go to Vietnam, you should see how your cousin drive. No matter who says what he still stays silent and do his own business.”

That sentences made me think. It’s probably because he is confident that’s why no matter what others say, he doesn’t care.

I realized the reason I get angry, shout back is because I want to prove that I can drive well. And it’s true with the other thing. We get mad because we just want to prove that we’re good and smart enough to solve things. But the reality is that we are lack of self-confidence that’s why we need to prove. And when we fail to prove we get even more angry.

The same with when we want someone to do something, but they do it differently. We get mad because they don’t listen to us. We feel like they underestimate us which hurt our pride. So to get it back we get frustrated to show them our power. However in reality that’s nothing but the strive to prove our point.

For example when a child doesn’t do well at school the parents get angry at them. It’s not because of the child but because the parents feel like they failed in raising their kid. Therefore in reality they are not angry at the child but at themselves because they failed.

In conclusion, the source of hatred is that we don’t understand and the reason we get angry is that we don’t have enough self-confidence. We use anger to prove that we are right, but when we fail to prove we start to hate and the more we hate the more we get angry. Physically, it results in gossiping and jealousy.

How to solve it?

In order to solve it, we should put in an effort to understand the other person or to find out the sense of an object. When we understand something we will automatically like it. So there will be no more room for anger as well.

Then whatever we do, we should work hard to be good at it. Only when we know something well, we have enough self-confidence that no one can shatter it. And when we have enough confidence we stay calm no matter what others say to us and talk about us. Because we know that those are not true.

However, when someone tells us something or say something about us, we can also calmly reconsider whether it is really true or not, if it useful or not. Because if we find it makes sense we can acquire and use it in our everyday life. But remember it’s our own choice whether we will take that suggestion or advice or not.

When we success to do all these, we will automatically live a calmer, more peaceful life, being compassionate with ourselves and our surroundings.

I’m still learning all this. And this is the reason I write blog. When I write about these topics it makes me think and realize once again what I have done and how I can change. It works as a reminder to me. At the same time it calms me down when needed. And my aim to share it is because I hope you, who read this, will look at yourself and think again when you find yourself getting angry or being irritated by something. If only one of us can be more conscious, people around us will realize it and then more and more people will become more conscious about this in their everyday life. And when we become conscious of our act we can behave properly that makes everyone, including ourselves, happy and joyful.

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